You probably already know, resentment isn't great for relationships. It may seem obvious, but why do we do so little about it? Despite its damaging effects, resentment is a feeling that many people choose to ignore or suppress.

However, studies have shown that ignoring resentment can lead to a decrease in relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.

According to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, high levels of resentment lead to lower levels of relationship satisfaction. Another study, published in 2018 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, found that higher levels of resentment lead to lower levels of emotional intimacy and, consequently, lower levels of relationship satisfaction. 

What keeps us from addressing resentment?

The question is, why do we allow resentment to fester in our relationships? What keeps us from addressing it?  

There are often fear and benefit components to resentment.

 

We might fear being rejected or having our resentment ignored, belittled, or defended against. We may worry that bringing up the issue will lead to conflict or even end the relationship.

On the other hand, we may benefit from holding onto our resentment. Perhaps it allows us to maintain the status quo, or we benefit from having a partner who feels like they owe us or needs to make things up to us.

It might even prove an old story correct, the one that says everyone will disappoint us, ultimately validating a narrative that convinces us to do nothing about it.

It's essential to take steps to address our resentment, rather than letting it fester and damage our relationships.

 

Two questions to address resentment

So, if you're struggling with resentment in your relationship, and you want to examine it deeper, I want you to ask yourself these 2 questions:

 

"What keeps me from actively addressing my resentment?"

"What does carrying/holding onto my resentment serve?"

And if there is a lot of fear that show up in your answers, additional questions to reflect on: 

"Are you afraid your resentment will be ignored or defended against you if you bring it up?"

"Are you afraid of being rejected?"

"Are you afraid of bringing it forward and leading to conflict or can end your relationship?"

 

Relational disconnectors can be tricky, but acknowledging our resentment and understanding some of the underlying issues can be helpful.

Some common underlying issues:

• Past traumas

• Experiences from past relationships with parents, friends and romantic partners

• Unaddressed hurt, loss and grief

If you want to work with us to navigate the complex nuances of your story and relationship, consider scheduling a free consultation. Don't let resentment dictate your relationships.

 

References

Proulx, C. M., & Snyder-Rivas, L. A. (2013). The Longitudinal Associations Between Marital Happiness, Problems, and Self-Rated Health. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 194–202. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0031877

 

Cortes, K., Leith, S., & Wilson, A. E. (2018). Relationship satisfaction and the subjective distance of past relational events. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(8), 1092–1117. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704721