While studying counseling in school, I learned that setting boundaries with abusive parents is crucial for one's mental health. It may even involve distancing yourself from the parental relationship as part of the recovery process.

For those who grew up in an abusive home, recognizing their parents' wrongdoing can provide a sense of relief and healing. Having someone label their abusive parents as such can make individuals feel understood in their pain.

However, dwelling on abusive experiences from childhood to the point of demonizing one's parents can hinder recovery and exacerbate issues in relationships.

I've heard similar stories from various individuals who realized that they were unintentionally hurting their loved ones in the same ways their parents had hurt them. For instance, one person mentioned, "I hated being criticized by my parents, but then I realized I was passive-aggressively criticizing others, including my partners and children."  

Demonizing your parents can lead to emotional pain, including retaliation, unresolved anger, resentment, and bitterness. Additionally, disowning parents can be painful, as many people still long for their parents' love, even when they know rationally that it may not be available.

Our rational minds tell us to stay away from our parents, but the emotional connection remains strong because they are our parents.

Here are some guidelines to consider:

1. Avoid Demonizing Your Parents

Labeling your parents as bad people leaves no room for forgiveness or future reconciliation. It can foster bitterness and grudges that negatively affect other relationships, be they social, familial, or professional.

2. Acknowledge What Your Parents Did Wrong

Instead of labeling your parents as bad or evil, start by acknowledging the specific wrongs they committed. For instance, if your parents neglected you during your upbringing, acknowledge their neglect by saying, "My parents neglected me, which was wrong." This approach addresses their actions as wrong without labeling them as inherently bad people.

3. Recognize Your Life Values and Goals

Don't let your past dictate your life. Establish your own values and needs, moving away from the past's influence. Focus on living your life according to your choices and desires rather than reacting to your parents' actions.

4. Acknowledge Your Boundaries and Communicate

Identify what consistently bothers you in your relationships and learn how to communicate your boundaries with respect and kindness. If others don't respect your communicated boundaries, be prepared to set firmer ones. People often treat you as you treat yourself, so if you allow your boundaries to be crossed without expressing your discomfort, they may continue to do so unknowingly.

5. Work on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about condoning wrongdoings but accepting what has happened and choosing not to repay the wrongs done to you. You can still dislike what your parents did without hating them. Forgiveness may necessitate setting firm boundaries or distancing yourself from your parents to prevent bitterness and grudges from growing.

Putting it together 

In cases where you find yourself hurting your parents as they hurt you, consider maintaining distance until you gain control over your anger. Communicating your boundaries with your parents may also be necessary. For example, you can express your desire for them to stop yelling at you.

In some cases, it may be best to let go of the relationship with your parents if reconciliation is not possible, especially if it is causing ongoing anger and resentment.

Dealing with abusive parents who continue to hurt your feelings is a complex and challenging journey. It involves establishing boundaries, acknowledging past wrongs, and striving for forgiveness while prioritizing your own well-being and happiness.

The path to healing and moving forward often begins with self-understanding and empathy, not just for yourself but also for your parents. The decision to reconcile with or let go of your parents is deeply personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Always remember that your well-being and happiness are of utmost importance. You deserve a life free from abuse, filled with love, respect, and understanding.

In addition, it's crucial to understand that you are not alone in this struggle, and there is support available from friends, family, or professional therapists who can provide guidance and a listening ear.